Tag Archives: Life

Cuento del Autobus

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I love to take the bus. It is the perfect excuse to sit and stare happily at people, without seeming in any way odd. As you whiz by your gaze goes unnoticed as you sit observing from your seat on the bus. If you happen to be standing, your eyes can peer down nosily at  whatever your fellow bus takers are occupying themselves with. The list of these activities are endless: knitting, reading, chatting, texting, playing with their phone, sleeping, singing etc. As the door opens to receive the new members to the bus, the suspense always catches in my throat. “Who will board today?” I wonder with a tinge of excitement. The bus interior is no more and no less than a stage, full of props and scenes beautifully unfolding before my very eyes.

He wore a hat. A black flat cap and a white and black striped scarf. His legs were brittle and his body seemed to bend forward as if pushed down to the ground by gravity. Down, down, down he trudged to his grave which was seemingly a nearby destination. His fingers unwrapped a wad of dollars from his pocket and he gently paid the bus driver the required dollar bill. As he started to journey to a seat which happened to be located in front of me, the bus commenced to drive and his hand clutched for a seat for stability. Slowly he stepped towards the empty seat, as if walking on the moon. One foot after the other slowly battling its way through the thick menacing air. I was fascinated.

As he finally sat down his phone started to ring. “Bueno?” he answered in a crisp and deep voice that was far warmer than I had anticipated. “No, amor I am on the bus going to get mi pasaporte renewed”. His voice lulled me into its arms. He then started to tell the other person a beautiful confession in a Spanglish so florid and expressive not even Cisneros could have penned such words.  ”I always loved her. La verdad es que asi fue siempre. I never told her….Pues, it wasn’t ever the moment. The true moment you always imagine will be right. Pues asi pasa, we get old and realize that the chances only come once amiga.” He listened intently to an answer I would have died to hear and then chuckled knowlingly. “Asi es morrita. Asi es. Pero dentro del dolor hay gozo, in the wishing there is happiness and hope…and I need that. Every part of my pinche body and corazon needs that.” He laughed again and sighed loudly. His hand reached out and rested on the window. He explained how life had separated them. How his son was in prison. “Si, es de esas cosas that you don’t wish on anybody. Pero, what else can we do?” He listened intently. I held my breathe. “Pues mandame el contaco, ayuda es ayuda….a ver que mas podemos hacer. But I think he deserves some punishment, just not so severo, verdad?” He fantazied how one day he tell her everything. “Aunque creo que nuestro amor se realizara en el cielo nomas…Pero you know chata? She must know. How could she not?” He did not sound in any way false, in any way as if he was adding far too much cream to his tale. His voice was sincere and terribly sad, yet, there was a flash of hope in all he said.

I imagined him confessing his love to whoever he indeed did love one day, as he hobbled off the bus and into a large white building which looked menacingly federal in front of his crippled body.

Was he renewing his passport to go confess his love? I will never know. Notice the stories around us all, they are simple reminders of the beauty that lies in all of life, with all it’s pinche parts too. All we can do is enjoy the process, verdad? Enjoy the process.

Halloween and Christmas Carols

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Okay so Halloween was never a huge celebration for me growing up. When we realized there were sweets at stake my friends and I dressed up and started ringing on our neighbours doorbells. “Trick or treat” we would state proudly, smiles grinning. One of us donned a sheet as a ghost with little holes for eyes that were very lopsided. The other black cat ears and the last a broom and a cape (she was a witch).  “Excuse me?” was the reply in Norwegian. “What are you….are you singing Christmas tunes already?” One old couple had us come in and sing renditions of “Holy Night” – we must have been a sight. A ghost, a cat and a witch singing Carols, but hey, we would do anything for treats. When we were finished, however, we were shown to the door which then shut behind us. There we stood, with hoarse voices and no sweets. We rung the bell again. “You have to give us sweets now” we stated, a tad more insistent. “Oh heavens!” the couple exclaimed. “Lets see what we have”. What they had were chocolates. Not delicious caramel plump chocolate drops from heaven, no. Chocolate full of liquor tasting mush. It was devastatingly disgusting. We sat on my front steps amidst piles of racked leaves and peeled off the chocolate in attempt to rescue the “good bits”. It seems Halloween has taken off a bit more in Norway, but I have to say when I look back on it, I am happy my Halloween’s were just just the way they were. It reminds me that fun isn’t the result of buckets full of sweets, nor having the most elaborate costume. It’s about doing something with friends, meeting new people and just keeping things simple. Perhaps that’s the Norwegian in me that is (partly) turned off by gaudy house decorations (some are really fun but some are just nuts!) and children gnawing away at hand fulls of sweets like Veruca Salta. Halloween, however, reminds me of those who have passed and who I miss terribly. Some of them I never met, such as my grand-fathers. Some I knew only three years of my life, my grandmother. And some have passed in what feels unfair ways and far too early in life. In short, All Hallow’s Eve and the Day of the Dead (November 2nd) remind me of how I should enjoy my life and the process without letting too many self imposed complications crowd the experience. Off I go to make (potentially just buy) candied apples. Hey, you can’t blame me for loving caramel covered apples? It’s about enjoying remember? te he.

No more Bullshit

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Some people are ardent practitioners of the bullshit. You heard me. They don’t practice what they preach – they simply don’t walk the walk of their daily talk – the words that roll effortlessly of their tongues are no more than pearls of bull….shit.

We have all encountered them and so many of us just put up with it. We put up with working with or being friends with people who step on us for their own personal gain. For some reason we facilitate that. Why? Why should someone else get to walk around pooping on your head? We make excuses for them -”oh well they don’t really mean to….they have a good heart.”

Enough.

If these kinds of people make your life tense, anxiety ridden and downright painful – why put up with it? Why should they be given the right to complicate your life? Isn’t life complicated enough?

Sometimes we cannot change people, so even if we were to shed light on a certain person’s difficult behavior and attempt reasoning with them, they may get defensive and just not understand, ever. The truth is we shouldn’t really aim to change these people but do what we can to improve the situation for ourselves. In other words, de-friend or attempt to change our work situation.

Don’t remain paralyzed in a situation under the pretense that it may improve. Be honest with yourself and be brave.

It’s no more bullshit time. And definitely No more Asshole time too….

Reconsidering the Pot of Gold at a Rainbows End

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This morning I awoke with the familiar yet overwhelming sensation of uncertainty rumbling from the depths of my core. In an attempt to ease the recurring sensation, I had my tea, my delicious granola and yogurt, topped it off with a perfectly ripe banana and plopped myself down before the vast sea that makes up my window view.

The anxious rumble continued.

I know I am not alone in feeling a strong sense of unease when I attempt to view my future, a futile attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. I try and imagine myself, my work scenario, home life; a blur of images pop into my head. As I am in a situation where I am figuring out what on earth to do with my life, these images feel like attempting to watch twenty films at the same time – i.e. noisy and tiring.

They are, however, also quite exciting. I realize that pining over the unknown is not the way forward. The unknown is, as we all know, terribly frightening but also extremely exciting. First of all, if we are lucky enough to be sitting in a house, sipping tea and pining, then we are well on our way to a happy existence.

Or are we?

If happiness is considered a state to work towards, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, perhaps then we will never be happy for we will always be searching and never content. Perhaps being content – happy – should be enjoyed in the now. I don’t think that means dropping ambitions and settling for sitting cross-legged and stemming passion and drive for this supposed bubble of joy – but actively recognizing what one has and being clear about what one wants.

Happiness and contentment are states that must be worked for. You cannot simply float without moving your feet and arms a little, right? So this must go hand in hand with striving to enjoy the process of walking the steps that form my path in life. It’s very easy to point fingers at all that I don’t do and be accusatory of oneself. We all seek acknowledgement as human beings, yet often falter in providing this acknowledgement for all that we do to ourselves. At least I do.

Enjoy the Process, a good friend once told me. So as I attempt to delve deep into my inner truth and see if I want to become an actress, work for an NGO, write, commence a career where creative development is my part of my job…. or all of the above (or none of the above) – I should attempt to enjoy it more. Perhaps that means being content along the way and just keep walking, as my father tells me, until you find your path.

But I am already on my path and I am already walking – it’s just time to enjoy it a little more.

Balance (and bacon)

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I love to preach about how everyone should seek to obtain balance in their everyday lives. Why? Because that is what I want and what I firmly believe constitutes a healthy and happy life. We all need a bit of balance.

I confess, however, and hang my head in shame as I say before you that I have NO balance in my life currently. After having started two jobs recently, I find myself in a situation where I 1) sleep less than five hours a night and 2) I find myself sitting in front of a screen for an un-godly amount of hours of the day.

How did this happen? How did I suddenly start skipping meals, not moving my body and worst of all – loosing sleep?

I know that parents out there will say, honey, just wait ’till you have kids. And I am. I am waiting because the idea of sleeping less than five hours a night scares me to death. If you could see what I look like on such little sleep, you would be scared too.

Today, however, despite a pile of work wining at me, I went to the gym and it felt swell. Endorphins went mental and I was high. High on all the goodness that comes with shaking ones body violently for an hour. But that doesn’t mean I have re-gained balance in my life. I made a small step towards it though….perhaps that is the trick, baby steps. One small step today, one giant step when looking at the big picture.

I fear, however, that one day, in the far distant, oh-my-dear-God-may-it-not-happen-too-soon future…when I do have children, that I will be an awful, terrible, miserable human being. How does one balance breast-feeding, eating right, going to the gym work, sex-life, friends…how, I ask? How? I suppose the trick to life is finding balance within the situations one encounters throughout ones life span. When a child is in the picture, you find balance within that specific situation…and so on and so forth.

Easily said, difficulty done. But if it was easy it wouldn’t be any fun, I tell myself in an effort to nudge myself along…

On that note, I am going to bed. For the first time in two weeks I am going to get to sleep before 1am. The face mask is on my head waiting to cover my two tired eyes…

Goodnight Moon. Goodnight amigos…I shall now go dream of balance, booze and bacon. Because I have been craving it, but that’s for another post.

 

One simply can’t sit with the servants…

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Everybody is on their trillionth episode of Downton Abbey and I am just starting. I am late to the find and what a find. For the past two nights we have watched the first episodes and squealed with delight at the enthralling dialogue, wonderful characters and gorgeous scenery.

On a slight yet relevant tangent, I just got off the telephone with my Granny. My Granny is a blend of Violet (Maggie Smith) and Isobel Crawley (Penelope Wilton) – try to imagine somebody very traditional, quick-witted and pig-headed as Violet, yet kind, adventurous and gentle as Isobel. This stupendous woman is actually my God-mother but I have adopted her as my Grandmother, so I call her Granny. She is from Kent, in her 90s (she would slaughter me if she knew I was disclosing her age) and has enough stories to write a series of novels, series and films (easily). She was best friends with Eva Gardner at one point, spent loads of time with Eva and Frank (Sinatra), was married to an MI5 agent at the ripe age of 17 (straight out of Catholic School) and when in Spain she fell in love with my Godfather – Juan Silveti (I call him Papan). Their love story is full of intricate and delicate details which I shall not disclose, just yet.

Fast forward to the present. Granny and Papan live on a ranch in Salamanca, Guanajuato. They own a beautiful plot of land, I suppose one could call it an estate. Almadelia is their  maid. She is 36 and has worked there since she was 13. She is the most lovely person I know in the world. She was worked as a servant, as a slave almost for 23 years. She goes home on Sunday’s, yes, only Sunday’s, once a week. Almadelia has a whole story which I also shan’t expound upon (again, just yet) but I will say that as I watched Downton Abbey I was reminded of how we still live in times where the social divide is quite imminent. What we see on television shows such as Downton Abbey occur everyday (in various manners and forms), but it occurs nonetheless.

When talking to my Granny about our wedding party in Mexico I mentioned she should come with Almadelia. “Are you mad?! She will not sit with me at my table. I am from 100 years ago Jenny. These things are simply not done. Besides, she would feel out-of-place.” I had to swallow many things just then. My Granny is from another time and hard of hearing so if I went off on one, it would do no good. I adore my Granny yet am conflicted when it comes to these matters – quite important magnanimous matters of discrimination.

Almadelia and I are friends, yet she has grown up in a system of servitude. She should by no means be living the life she is. What do I do? It doesn’t seem right to just sit back and say – well, that is the way of the world?

I think to myself how when my Godparents pass away, I will help Almadelia (it is rather depressing that I have to think of when they are gone, but this is the way things happen).

I hear people talk of how things “were” specifically referring to the inequalities that existed in the early 20th Century depicted in Downton Abbey and other period dramas. Well, inequalities did and continue to exist. So much so, that my friend cannot come to my wedding, she cannot sit at a table with people who are not servants, she cannot behave in the same manner and she most definitely cannot dress as the rest of us.

I don’t even know what else to say other than, what on earth do I do?

Lose It

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Okay, so once in a while, no matter how adult, how composed, how articulate or how intelligent we are, we all have a tantrum (once in a while.)

There comes a moment in which one takes a step back, sees the world before oneself and  one says “this is all too much. I throw my hands in the air.” In other dialects this may sound different, perhaps heavily spiced with various four letter words, grunts, groans, moans and yes, even tears.

Life simply gets the best of us, throws us into a whirlpool of violent emotions and then flings us out again. Naked, ashamed and embarrassed.

Well, enough of the embarrassement I say as I watch life snicker at me through peery eyes, I shan’t regret that I spent part of my day flailing my arms, crying and feeling as though the world were to end. And now as I sit here watching the sunset and dolphins jump out of my very window, perhaps regreting a few of my statements and giggling at my previous mad behavior, I think how reassuring to know that once in a while we simply lose it.

So here’s to losing it. Once in a while.

Putting Pen to Paper

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Sometimes it is difficult to start to write. With so much going on I have set aside a piece I had intended to have done last week. Oy vey. As I tidy my desk, tend to my e-mails, organize my papers and edit pictures that I am giving away for Christmas I catch myself procrastinating.

Perhaps, however, this procrastination was meant to be – perhaps I was supposed to find a list I wrote a month ago and had completely forgotten about.

Here it is:

Love, is all that matters.Find who you are so that you may attract it. Your must be that which you expect others to be.

Always start from within. When you commence from without you question what lies within.

Never fear failure. When you do, you lose track of success. Both work in tandem and are inseparable. Accept their inevitability as forces of balance in life.

Learn to breathe. It is often the small acts that prove most complicated.

Smile to yourself so that you may smile to the world.

Allow time to pass before answering hurtful comments. If answered quickly, you replicate the unkind energy.

Know yourself and befriend yourself so that you can live happily in harmony with who you are.

Ask so that you may hear. Listen so that you may know.

Listen so that you may be heard. Speak so that you may be seen. Look so that your heart can understand.

Appreciate that knowledge is infinite. That which lies beyond our realm of understanding is real.

Respect your limits, yet form no immovable boundaries. Lines were made to be moved. Nothing is immovable.

Sleep, not as a path to tomorrow but as a means of rest and recuperation.

Acknowledge your efforts and congratulate yourself. Appreciate what you do, so that you may recognize others

Look up and out with one eye, in and down with the other; balance.

Be patient. Apologize when you hurt others.

Say “thank you” more often than “sorry.

Do not judge, for it is wasteful.

Friday’s Five: Relationship Advice

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I am no relationship wise guru figure, I can assure you of this. I have had my tantrums, my overly sensitive moments and yes I have even overreacted about some (very few) things from time to time.

Recently I have been pondering what makes a good relationship. I cannot help but conclude that all hinges on communication. Nevertheless I am acutely aware of the fact that a plethora of factors contribute to a healthy, good, wonderful and long lasting relationship.First as I already mentioned, there is communication. This is, as we all know, not always so easy. Sometimes we are managed by an unknown inner emotion, which cannot be communicated. We almost want to convey our feelings through interpretive dance or even odd sounds. So do it. If you cannot communicate how you feel through words spell it out otherwise. This may sounds mildly crazy but if you are angry try diffusing the situation by taking a deep breathe and exhaling with your tongue hanging slightly out of your mouth. I assure you the sound may make you giggle, at least smile. Your partner will drop his defensive wall, which goes up in response to feeling you are upset and you can start talking and communicating.

Secondly, kind gestures keep things fresh. Do you like it when somebody surprises you or offers to bring you a cup of tea, drive you to work or invites you to dinner? Guess what, your partner may like it to. Do onto your partner, as you would like your partner to do to you. Amen.

Thirdly, drop the insecurities. I know, it is difficult but here is the deal: your partner is with you because they love you. Accept it. Deal with it. If they say or do something, which stirs those insecurities up, confront them, vocalize your feelings and quickly dump them down the loo (write them on a piece of toilet paper and flush them down the toilet).

 Fourth (ly?), Try not to burst your partner’s bubble. Be genuinely happy for your partner’s successes even if you feel miserable and are having an “I am a failure” generally bad day. And finally, laugh. I went to yoga once and the instructor suddenly in the middle of one of my rather awkward downward facing dogs (I am not so flexible and fear I don’t look as attractive as other girls in the class) said, “now lay down on your backs” – then she said, “and now we are going to laugh, for five minutes”. She then proceeded to laugh. Hysterically. At first I found this all rather odd. Then I started to giggle. Her laughter was contagious, suddenly everyone in the class rolled around laughing. I laughed so hard that I cried.

So…….. just laugh for goodness sake and have a wonderful weekend.