Category Archives: Being Human

Sunday Film Shoot in San Fran

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It’s almost 10pm and I’m sitting at San Francisco airport waiting for my flight back to Los Angeles. It’s been a great day. I went shoot a scene for a web series I am in. It has a relatively well known actor in it which is cool and a stellar cast and absolutely brilliant director. More information to follow. I was surrounded by people who share in my passion of performance, who love to pick scenes apart. There is nothing like being reminded of what you love to do. Somehow I have to make this my reality. I suppose I will always act no matter what. That’s how it should be with things you love but there is much work that lies ahead. First I have to find time for acting classes again. With my new job as producer in a creative agency I have little time to act. But it’s time to produce my own life! Why is it so much easier to produce other people’s?
Off I go back to LA and it feels like I’m off to a new beginning.

The Long Drive

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Recently I was a model in a photoshoot for Good Works bracelets. The shoot was in Fullerton, which for someone who doesn’t drive on the highway is far. And I mean epic lengths far from my home. The photographer was my dear friend and talented photographer Gabriela Kulaif. Again, for someone who drives effortlessly this drive would be nothing to blink twice at. But for someone who has never driven on the highway this was a big deal. A gargantuan deal and fear set in. I was asked to pick up a fellow model along the way, who didn’t drive. Great, it was to be a case of the blind leading the blind. I found a route that would take me through side greets, and despite taking 30 minutes longer I was feeling confident the journey would go well. The drive went well, we journeyed through areas of Los Angeles I didn’t know. One of which was Crenshaw. For those of you who don’t know LA this is considered “ghetto”. I must say it was fascinating. It felt like a tough neighbourhood and I wished I could stop and talk to the fella’s huddling on the street corner or the girls walking to school with their mother following close behind. The area is primarily black and Latino. Would my Latina blood mean I could fit in? No. There was an unspoken language I didn’t speak in the area. This was not my hood. When I tell people I drive through this neighbourhood their eyebrows raise and I’m told to be careful. Sure it was rough but it felt very real, very honest and very important to be aware of the various pockets that make up this large city of Los Angeles. It made me appreciate the value of leaving the known network I create and stepping out into the unknown.
The shoot itself went just fine. Not more than fine or less. I had my period and was in terrible pain and bloated as a big bellied bear. I simply wanted to hibernate and sleep. But it was fun and on the drive home I felt proud that I had pushed myself to drive two hours on un-chartered roads for the first time in my life. I even stopped to get gas somewhere in a tough looking neighbourhood and found that what I thought was tough was quite nice and friendly. I got a smile it two and never felt scared. For the first time I enjoyed driving as I listened to “Fina Estampa” (my favourite song) and hummed song. My next step will have to be braving the highway which I will be sure to tell you about.
For now here are a few shots taken by Gabriela Kulaif from the shoot.
P.s. I wrote this blog post using my phone so I hope it looks alright!

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Chicken Soup

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I am home alone this week as my husband is on a business meeting in Oxford. To tell you the truth I hate being alone. I enjoy my own personal space and alone time, but not at night. My mind races and my imagination goes bonkers. I hear and see things. Ever since I was a little girl I have had a hard time with the dark and I always thought I would grow out of it. Well, I almost have. I have faith that one day I will stop letting my imagination get the best of me, but on the other hand it is that imagination that lets me write and act and do the things I truly love. So go figure.

Last night as I was on my way up the stairs home after a great session at the gym, I bumped into a neighbour who is a dear friend who let me know he was going for drinks with some friends. “There will be live jazz” he told me. I hesitated and he assumed I wouldn’t go. So did I, to be honest. But when I got home I realized that this slump I find myself in will only improve if I am pro-active. “You are going out!” I said to myself in the mirror. I gulped down some leftover quinoa and jumped in the shower.

Entering the bar was an experience. My friend hadn’t answered his phone so I wondered if they were in fact in this bar. I walked down the side of the bar and people looked at me curiously. Several men asked me to come join their table, which I found quite flattering. Then finally I found my friends and I sat down to a delicious cucumber martini. The music in the background gently painted a soothing backdrop of encouraging notes that got our conversation going. We covered all sorts of ground from relationships, to films, to politics. It was swell. True chicken soup for the soul.

One of the topics we talked about brushed upon how insecure we all are as human beings, especially when we are in a relationship. Of course there are varying degrees of these insecurities and varying degrees of how you deal with them. I am ridiculously insecure, rather destructively so. Every year I vow to get better though and I do intend to love myself more and more, no matter how ridiculously corny that sounds. Sometimes when you talk to others about how they have fought with partners you find yourself realizing, it isn’t just you. I have heard stories of throwing things like shoes or paintings, of shouting and screaming whilst pounding fists against the wall, of intentionally adding too much salt to the food, of getting out of the car in the middle of the highway and hitchhiking home. Oh, let me tell you I have heard of, and been instrumental in all sorts of fights. And I have also heard of all sorts of make-ups to. We all fight, we all react in ways that make us ashamed at times. It’s what we do afterwards that counts. It’s how we pick up the pieces and move forward. It’s the intentions we have to do better and be better. Accepting when I instigate an argument, or when I wrongfully blow something out of proportion isn’t easy. But I am learning and as my husband says, it always takes two.

At the end of the day we are social creatures who don’t like to be alone. We need acknowledgement, empathy and love from people around us. Nevertheless, we have to love ourselves too. Something I think we often dismiss as silly. Something we don’t really dedicate that much time to (hopefully, if you dedicate too much time to it – find a balance for goodness sake.) Is that why I am scared to be alone I wonder? Because I don’t love myself? Nah.

As I am attempting to find things that make me happy these days, I just remembered a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert’s fantastic book, “Eat, Pray, Love” which I had forgotten and will surely make me feel far less alone and afraid at night. She explains that the Balinese believe that when we are accompanied at birth by four invisible brothers, who protect us through our lives. “The brothers inhabit the four virtues a person needs in order to be safe and happy in life: intelligence, friendship, strength and …poetry. The brothers can be called upon in any critical situation for rescue and assistance”. She then goes on to tell how she has had nightmares since she was little of a man with a knife next to her bed. Similarly I have always dreamt of a man in my room watching me. The medicine man tells her that this man is just one of her four brothers who is there to guard her while she sleeps.

Funny how when you turn something to the positive we just become happier. I am off to bed knowing that I am protected and loved – and I say a prayer and send love to all those out there who feel a lack of protection and no love. It’s true what they say, happiness comes with being content and appreciative. But I won’t delve into the meaning of happiness today. Goodnight Moon and cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight and may you all take a moment to realize how swell you are. You truly are.

Paper Planes

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It is 9:30 pm on a Thursday evening. As I drove home today I saw the hustle and bustle of Abbot Kinney, pulsing with coolness and gigantic scarves, vintage boots and thick glasses, and I thought, “blimey, how fun it could be to go out tonight. But instead I look forward to a cozy night with my man”. As he always comes home late, I went first to Golds Gym and punched the air violently in one of my favorite classes, body combat. My teacher De Andre has a way of making you loose all inhibitions and suddenly you find yourself screaming bloody Mary as you pummel the air around you. His name is pretty epic too, De Andre. I am a fan.

After the gym we had a cozy dinner  and then we got a message inviting us out to the Fairmont for a drink. I have a confession to make. I did’t feel like going. Instead I felt like being cozy, like watching something, talking, like sitting and writing about everything and nothing. Lately life has been going past so quickly and there is something delightfully delicious about slowing down and taking a deep breathe and relishing in silence. I realize the value of silence, of watching without talking, of listening and actually hearing ones own breathe. What a treat it is to be able to have even a few minutes of quiet and peace. Perhaps I should try meditating because now I think, more than ever, I value those quiet intimate moments one has with oneself.

Talking about silence, there is something gloriously beautiful about non-verbal communication; Those magical moments where your energy syncs with someone else’s and you feel “connected.”  You catch somebody’s eye on as they step onto the train and they turn to smile at you as the train pulls out of the station. Magic. Although in most cases the magic disappears pretty quickly, there are those rare occasions, those romantic stories that make you smile and long for the serendipitous moments that make life so exciting.

Have a look at this beautiful animation that was shared with me today. It’s got paper planes and a love story. Non-verbal communication at it’s best.

 

 

 

 

2013

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Yeah okay so I am late to the game it is 2013 and it only now has begun to dawn on me that I can no longer date things 2012.

The blasted cold going around got to me. Literally it got into my body and took over, increasing my temperature and mucus quantities to offensive amounts. No matter how hard I blow my nose I will never get all this snot out. I have gotten through boxes of tissues and my nose is so dry by now I look far from attractive. Great. But I am getting better….yes I am.

So, as I lie in bed contemplating my walls I start to think about 2013. Resolutions. I have none set in stone yet but a few on the horizon. Must write them down.

Some people, however, have been more diligent than I have and have already started to act on their resolutions. Exercising, eating healthier, reading more… I am envious so all I can say is – yuck.

As I scoured Facebook in an attempt to stifle a strong sense of loneliness that inevitably ensues when you spend two days in bed, I saw that my friend and the best brow artist in town Kelley Baker has been giving the homeless blankets to keep themselves warm during these colder California nights (it truly does get cold here). I am moved by her kindness and her warm heart. She has also started giving a discount to anybody who comes to their brow appointment with a blanket. This woman is wonderful.

Kelley’s generosity really cheered me up. (As did a video of some of our best friends two year old daughter loudly repeating “foock…fock….” instead of fork). We all have the power to make a difference, we just have to do it. So one of my resolutions this year is to do just that. And act lots. And write. (I better start writing my list).

The Perks of Being A Tad Mad

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The other day I went for a jog on the beach and when I reached the point of panting like a dog, took a break and sat on the beach pondering the magnificent ocean before me. As I sat cross-legged in the sand, I started to rehearse my lines for various scenes I have to do in the next coming weeks. I must have looked as though I was talking to myself quite intently, which in effect I was. In truth, I must have looked pretty bonkers. But it is Venice and most people are pretty artistic and theatrical by nature here, so I assumed I would fit right in. A few metres behind me were a couple who were talking, giggling and very much in love with one another. I assumed they wouldn’t notice me. Suddenly I re-focused my eyes and saw that the fellow had walked past me to the sea and was searching for something in the water. He found it and walked towards me. I thought he would pass me, but just as he approached he leant over and placed a shell, very carefully, in the sand next to me. He looked at me fairly solemnly and then smiled. I was quite shocked by this act of kindness and think I sat there gaping in awe – which probably made me look even more mad. I believe the words thank you escaped my mind in a weak exhale. The lovely chap then returned to his girlfriend and that was that.

How utterly lovely this man was! He gave me a shell in what I presume was an act of kindness, as if to say, hello, I see you, all is well.

Perhaps we should all do these little actions of love and kindness towards others. Not just because they look crazy, as I probably did, but to reach out selflessly to a stranger with a random act of kindness.

Have any of you received anything like this so randomly? Have you ever carried out such a random act? The last one I remember was when I gave a young girl who was sobbing at the emergency room a bag of tissues. She didn’t want to talk but I gave her all the body language and looks indicating that I was there to lend an ear. That seemed to calm her down and I believe I saw a faint smile, but then she continued to cry quietly. It was terribly heart wrenching. What was her story? I will never know,

I intend to pay the kind gesture the “shell man” (as I shall refer to him from now on) forward very soon and shall tell you all about it when I do.

Have a glorious weekend!

 

Election Day – Make it Count

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Today we vote. If you have the right to vote, do so. It’s a human right that you should not take for granted. Just like good health, you appreciate it when you don’t have it. It’s only after having a terrible cold that you realize how great it feels to be healthy and not sniffling snot incessantly. So Vote, be healthy, fell good about it.

When it comes to who you vote for, well…who am I to tell you what to do. It is your choice. Obviously. And your choice is totally private, you don’t have to tell anyone who you vote for at all, which is quite nice.

But if you are interested/intrigued/curious…here is some food for thought. (… But because this is my blog and you are curious/intrigued/interested enough to read this far, I will proudly confess that today,  I shall vote for Obama.

Here are but a few of my reasons why:

Obama believes that women have a right to choose, and so do I.

Imagine this: a female you care for is raped. It is awful and she becomes pregnant. Imagine the pain and suffering that ensues. It’s a nightmare. Yet, her right to decide about what to do with the unwanted baby is non existent (under Romney). It is the will of God, apparently. Or was it just an awful situation that occurred and that she should not be punished for by having to bring an unwanted child into the world? We as women have a choice – these are our bodies and we have fought for the right of choice for many years. Nobody should be in any position of power that believes that women have no voice when it comes to their very own body. In fact Obama believes women should have the right to free preventative health care. Which sounds more logical to you? Romney’s argument which says women do not have a the right to decide what happens to their body, or Obama’s who grants full rights to our own body – it even sounds so blatantly obvious I don’t understand how this is even an issue.

Oh, and guess what. Even if your personal belief is that a pregnancy, no matter how it was caused, was the will of God, that opinion is no more than just that – a PERSONAL belief. Church and state should be separate, as was envisioned by our founding fathers and as is   carried out by our President Obama.

Remember how this country is made up of people of all races and creeds. When voting make sure you pick a candidate who promotes equal rights for all Americans regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, nationality….Equality is tough to protect and we need a President (Obama) who stands up for minorities and is free of archaic judgement.

We do not need any more wars. Obama ended the war in Iraq. He completed the mission of killing Osama bin Laden and has made huge steps towards drawing the Afghanistan war to a close. Romney has expressed a far more aggressive foreign policy – and refers to “the bad guys” ominously in his debates. He has pledged a “tougher stance on China”. Consider this, however, if Romney comes in and takes such a barking tone, China may decide to not buy any more US bonds which would make it quite difficult for the US to service its debt. And wait – wasn’t it Romney who said he would cut the debt drastically and that Obama was doing basically zilch? Ah, I see. Keep an eye out on that Romney fella’ – he is a slippery eel I tell ya.

The economy has been slowly improving. When Obama became President it was worse than it has been in 1929 during the Great Depression. If anybody expected Obama to have completely fixed and improved the economy in less than 4 years – put things in perspective. A huge economical disaster that Obama had thrown into his lap cannot be reversed with a flick of a wand. If it was, it would be no more than a temporary bandaid which is the last thing we would ever want again – another bubble? No thank you. Here’s to change that lasts.

Obama has made health care more affordable. He passed the Affordable Care Act which removes restrictions on pre-existing conditions, raises the age at which children can be under their parents health care (something that small businesses benefit from too)  - why would you be against this?

Clean energy jobs – Obama is investing in creating these kinds of jobs. It’s about time that this happened.

And he thinks that the wealthy should pay fair taxes like the rest of us. One word – duh. Think about it, last year Romney paid about 14% of his income in tax. That’s almost certainly less than you did, by a significant amount. Even if you are not making millions, you still pay sales taxes, so chances are your effective tax rate is closer to 30% of all the money you make. The majority of people that have struggled in this economy have paid more income taxes than Romney. Think about it. Is that fair? Is that morally right?

Obama believes in Science, in research for innovation – He believes in a greater future for us all. He is for change and growth and development, learning and re-assessing what has not worked.

If you think Romney will  take things back to “how they were” – you should question what that means to you. Is how things were what led us to the greatest financial crisis since 1929? Is how we were in the Clinton era, because then Obama is the clear choice. Is how we were no more than an idea your parents have imposed on you?

It’s your vote. Nobody can tell you where to press your dark pen tomorrow. But do me a favor and vote for the candidate that you honestly feel will  continue to grow a unified, fair, peaceful United States of America – so that we may all continue to be proud of this beast of a Nation because this is a serious choice you are making. What you vote for tomorrow will mark the next four years in a very serious manner – what happens tomorrow matters for you, your children, your family, your friends – everyone around you. Tomorrow is the day we have all been waiting for and there won’t be another – so make your voice heard. And make sure that voice has been well thought out – clearly, wisely and with lots of heart.

‘Till tomorrow fellow citizens – may tomorrow be a happy day for us all.

Halloween and Christmas Carols

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Okay so Halloween was never a huge celebration for me growing up. When we realized there were sweets at stake my friends and I dressed up and started ringing on our neighbours doorbells. “Trick or treat” we would state proudly, smiles grinning. One of us donned a sheet as a ghost with little holes for eyes that were very lopsided. The other black cat ears and the last a broom and a cape (she was a witch).  “Excuse me?” was the reply in Norwegian. “What are you….are you singing Christmas tunes already?” One old couple had us come in and sing renditions of “Holy Night” – we must have been a sight. A ghost, a cat and a witch singing Carols, but hey, we would do anything for treats. When we were finished, however, we were shown to the door which then shut behind us. There we stood, with hoarse voices and no sweets. We rung the bell again. “You have to give us sweets now” we stated, a tad more insistent. “Oh heavens!” the couple exclaimed. “Lets see what we have”. What they had were chocolates. Not delicious caramel plump chocolate drops from heaven, no. Chocolate full of liquor tasting mush. It was devastatingly disgusting. We sat on my front steps amidst piles of racked leaves and peeled off the chocolate in attempt to rescue the “good bits”. It seems Halloween has taken off a bit more in Norway, but I have to say when I look back on it, I am happy my Halloween’s were just just the way they were. It reminds me that fun isn’t the result of buckets full of sweets, nor having the most elaborate costume. It’s about doing something with friends, meeting new people and just keeping things simple. Perhaps that’s the Norwegian in me that is (partly) turned off by gaudy house decorations (some are really fun but some are just nuts!) and children gnawing away at hand fulls of sweets like Veruca Salta. Halloween, however, reminds me of those who have passed and who I miss terribly. Some of them I never met, such as my grand-fathers. Some I knew only three years of my life, my grandmother. And some have passed in what feels unfair ways and far too early in life. In short, All Hallow’s Eve and the Day of the Dead (November 2nd) remind me of how I should enjoy my life and the process without letting too many self imposed complications crowd the experience. Off I go to make (potentially just buy) candied apples. Hey, you can’t blame me for loving caramel covered apples? It’s about enjoying remember? te he.

No more Bullshit

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Some people are ardent practitioners of the bullshit. You heard me. They don’t practice what they preach – they simply don’t walk the walk of their daily talk – the words that roll effortlessly of their tongues are no more than pearls of bull….shit.

We have all encountered them and so many of us just put up with it. We put up with working with or being friends with people who step on us for their own personal gain. For some reason we facilitate that. Why? Why should someone else get to walk around pooping on your head? We make excuses for them -”oh well they don’t really mean to….they have a good heart.”

Enough.

If these kinds of people make your life tense, anxiety ridden and downright painful – why put up with it? Why should they be given the right to complicate your life? Isn’t life complicated enough?

Sometimes we cannot change people, so even if we were to shed light on a certain person’s difficult behavior and attempt reasoning with them, they may get defensive and just not understand, ever. The truth is we shouldn’t really aim to change these people but do what we can to improve the situation for ourselves. In other words, de-friend or attempt to change our work situation.

Don’t remain paralyzed in a situation under the pretense that it may improve. Be honest with yourself and be brave.

It’s no more bullshit time. And definitely No more Asshole time too….

Facing the Fight

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Oh fighting. The moment you raise your voice, stamp your foot, passive aggressively sneer, smile with deadly intention and so on and so forth – we have all done it. We have all been enraged by those we at one point, perhaps even seconds prior, were feeling an infinite amount of love for. Suddenly, the dark clouds appear and the rain commences, sometimes in light sprinkles, other times in bucket loads (or cats and dogs).

Very often fighting is an attempt to protect a very vulnerable part of oneself. Being angry is far easier than sad. Someone pushes your buttons and instead of showing them how hurt that made you, you lash out, putting up a strong barrier so as to prevent further hurt. The end result is often a bit of a mess and the after-math can include a lot of picking up of pieces that could have been avoided had we just openly stated how we felt from the beginning. The good news is that we have a choice. We can choose to handle a tricky situation by taking a deep breathe, stepping back and calmly solving the problem at hand, as opposed to letting the adrenaline flow, energy rise (and perhaps temporary insanity ensue).

Arguing, however, is completely normal. We all do it. With loved ones, friends, and heck, even ourselves. There is a boundary you should not pass from “normal” to destructive that sometimes we have trouble identifying ourselves. For example, if you find yourself fighting about whether the Pacific or the Atlantic ocean are larger every evening, it’s time for some help. (Those of you who have seen Radio Days by Woody Allen will know what I am speaking about. If you haven’t, I recommend it).

Admitting that one needs help is not easy. Taking the leap of asking for help from people you know or a third party that you have to pay – it simply  ‘aint a walk in the park. It is, however, worth it. It may not feel that asking for help will get you anywhere, instead it often feels embarrassing, humiliating and generally just terribly painful. Accepting ones limitations is a massive blow to the old ego. Ouch. I sort of think of daring to ask for help like mustering up the courage to jump into a slightly chilly ocean (I am from Norway so I suppose this analogy makes sense). You dip your toe in and shudder. The rest of your foot and squeal. Then you leap in, hands flailing in all directions. As you settle into the temperature and swim about, you feel refreshed and revitalized, with an enormous sense of accomplishment to boot.

Now, I am no saint. I have gotten in some pretty petty arguments with my husband. And I am talking petty. And he has with me. At times it is due to tiredness, others due to pent up frustration with something that happened a while ago. Yet, after our arguments we talk. And we talk. Sometimes too much, but the point is we try an find how we can improve. It’s not easy and sometimes we can’t really find a solution and the arguments continue. The will, however, is there. This will, however, has to be not only for US as a couple to grow together, but for my husband and I to each of us to learn, accept and face certain of our personality quirks that perhaps aren’t the most constructive.

None of us like to face ourselves and accept our wrongs. Pride and ego get in the way and somehow convince us that we are right, justified, that it was not our fault. Unless your are a saint. The truth is admitting to oneself that there are aspects one could change about oneself is not easy. But, instead of seeing these as flaws or “bad” things, one should see them as places where you can grow. No need to shed a negative light on these things and if you make this a positive process you might actually enjoy shedding certain personality traits that have you and your partner fighting and arguing.

Maybe one day we loose the will to talk – maybe one day we fight so much, and are tired, and working hard and raising kids, and cooking dinners, that we just loose the will to be constructive. It happens. In fact I believe it happens to most couples. I cannot foreshadow what will occur in the future (usually)  but I hope and imagine that when that shit hits the fan a therapist will come into the picture. You know, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Some people read or hear therapist and shake their head as though defeat has just occurred. As though inner strength is lacking, as though weakness is the cause. But let’s be honest – it’s far more brave to admit that help is needed and far more difficult to dare as a couple (or on one’s own) to acknowledge that this challenge is too large to handle alone.

No matter your situation in life, don’t be afraid to ask for help. It has taken me years to figure that out and I still struggle with it at times. It’s so interesting that so many of the barriers I put up in my mind are nothing more than fictional walls that very easily, with the right conversations and often help come crashing down. It’s liberating, healing and freeing.

I made a vow to myself that all the next arguments I have with my husband should turn into more constructive discussions. That I won’t loose my temper and that I will be honest and open and yes, dare to be vulnerable so that arguments don’t escalate unnecessarily. That I will remember that more often than not things are done with good intentions and that bad communication can taint things terribly wrong. I know I sound very Kumbayah, but this is my growth that I want and need in life and somehow putting myself in the vulnerable position of sending this post out into the void feels right and binding.
Think of it as my letter in a bottle. So, thank you for being my sea.