This morning I awoke with the familiar yet overwhelming sensation of uncertainty rumbling from the depths of my core. In an attempt to ease the recurring sensation, I had my tea, my delicious granola and yogurt, topped it off with a perfectly ripe banana and plopped myself down before the vast sea that makes up my window view.
The anxious rumble continued.
I know I am not alone in feeling a strong sense of unease when I attempt to view my future, a futile attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. I try and imagine myself, my work scenario, home life; a blur of images pop into my head. As I am in a situation where I am figuring out what on earth to do with my life, these images feel like attempting to watch twenty films at the same time – i.e. noisy and tiring.
They are, however, also quite exciting. I realize that pining over the unknown is not the way forward. The unknown is, as we all know, terribly frightening but also extremely exciting. First of all, if we are lucky enough to be sitting in a house, sipping tea and pining, then we are well on our way to a happy existence.
Or are we?
If happiness is considered a state to work towards, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, perhaps then we will never be happy for we will always be searching and never content. Perhaps being content – happy – should be enjoyed in the now. I don’t think that means dropping ambitions and settling for sitting cross-legged and stemming passion and drive for this supposed bubble of joy – but actively recognizing what one has and being clear about what one wants.
Happiness and contentment are states that must be worked for. You cannot simply float without moving your feet and arms a little, right? So this must go hand in hand with striving to enjoy the process of walking the steps that form my path in life. It’s very easy to point fingers at all that I don’t do and be accusatory of oneself. We all seek acknowledgement as human beings, yet often falter in providing this acknowledgement for all that we do to ourselves. At least I do.
Enjoy the Process, a good friend once told me. So as I attempt to delve deep into my inner truth and see if I want to become an actress, work for an NGO, write, commence a career where creative development is my part of my job…. or all of the above (or none of the above) – I should attempt to enjoy it more. Perhaps that means being content along the way and just keep walking, as my father tells me, until you find your path.
But I am already on my path and I am already walking – it’s just time to enjoy it a little more.