This morning I awoke with the familiar yet overwhelming sensation of uncertainty rumbling from the depths of my core. In an attempt to ease the recurring sensation, I had my tea, my delicious granola and yogurt, topped it off with a perfectly ripe banana and plopped myself down before the vast sea that makes up my window view.
The anxious rumble continued.
I know I am not alone in feeling a strong sense of unease when I attempt to view my future, a futile attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. I try and imagine myself, my work scenario, home life; a blur of images pop into my head. As I am in a situation where I am figuring out what on earth to do with my life, these images feel like attempting to watch twenty films at the same time – i.e. noisy and tiring.
They are, however, also quite exciting. I realize that pining over the unknown is not the way forward. The unknown is, as we all know, terribly frightening but also extremely exciting. First of all, if we are lucky enough to be sitting in a house, sipping tea and pining, then we are well on our way to a happy existence.
Or are we?
If happiness is considered a state to work towards, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, perhaps then we will never be happy for we will always be searching and never content. Perhaps being content – happy – should be enjoyed in the now. I don’t think that means dropping ambitions and settling for sitting cross-legged and stemming passion and drive for this supposed bubble of joy – but actively recognizing what one has and being clear about what one wants.
Happiness and contentment are states that must be worked for. You cannot simply float without moving your feet and arms a little, right? So this must go hand in hand with striving to enjoy the process of walking the steps that form my path in life. It’s very easy to point fingers at all that I don’t do and be accusatory of oneself. We all seek acknowledgement as human beings, yet often falter in providing this acknowledgement for all that we do to ourselves. At least I do.
Enjoy the Process, a good friend once told me. So as I attempt to delve deep into my inner truth and see if I want to become an actress, work for an NGO, write, commence a career where creative development is my part of my job…. or all of the above (or none of the above) – I should attempt to enjoy it more. Perhaps that means being content along the way and just keep walking, as my father tells me, until you find your path.
But I am already on my path and I am already walking – it’s just time to enjoy it a little more.
Oh how I’ve missed your beautiful and thoughtful writing. You’re not alone and you are absolutely right we do have to work at achieving and maintaining our happiness. It’s one of the things that I work hardest to protect but it means the world to me so it’s worth the efforts.
We may all walk our own paths but we all share in the same uncertainty as these paths are new to us just as every moment is new and full of glorious potential… work we must to keep treading, creating and inspiring others around us and after us to do so as well. Thanks for writing your truth, I am touched by your leprechaun charm!!! <3
Thank you for your comment Christina – it is always great to know that we are all in this together
Dearest Jenny,
I have missed reading your blog. You are on the right path. All of these thoughts, questions, doubts, they are all part of your path in life. Being present in the NOW is truly what brings us happiness. Whatever “happiness” is supposed to mean. I guess the word happiness is not exactly the right word. It’s more like being present just makes you feel alive and aware of everything around you, including yourself. It’s NOT about getting to some destination. Life happens while you’re living it. There have been so many things I have been interested in doing in my life. I wanted to be a journalist, photographer, translator, work for an NGO too, teach, etc. I don’t think that you have to necessarily be one thing your entire life. Through my process of figuring that out, I was finally able to discover that part of me I didn’t even know I had in me and has lead me on this crazy adventure as a healer through Chinese Medicine . These things take time. There are parts of me that still love those things and that’s okay. Remember though, that being focused on what life may be in the future, we forget to live it. The mind can be our biggest enemy, it keeps going and going…. It’s up to us to quiet it so that we can really listen to our core. This is not easy to do, but essential for our well being. Just remember that It’s in the small details of life, in those tiny nuances where we truly feel alive and grateful for just being here. You are on your path, just remember to enjoy it and savor the moments because that’s all life really is, just moments!
Thank you dearest Sally for your advice and insight. It means the world to me! All my love